somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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