everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
