Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
