Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
