I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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