I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
