wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
