Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
