nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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