I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i've created a new STD.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
