Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
