How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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