it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
vagina is talking i cant
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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