Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
