I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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