Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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