You're so nebulous sometimes
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
