I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
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Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
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Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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