The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
