I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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