Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
