Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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