I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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