Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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