so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
