I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...