Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?