You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
