It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
