the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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