mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
