I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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