my sisters under your porch take her home
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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