I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
