he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
MIDGETS
????
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
