do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
