I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
