just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
