my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
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Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
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The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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