I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
