hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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