You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
