Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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