A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
