my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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