Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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