can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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