Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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