put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
