I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
