my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
