meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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