Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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