I think im going to throw up on grandma
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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