I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
