woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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