I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
