she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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