when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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