Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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