Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize