no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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