Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
